Even the healthiest of couples fight. But, if fighting has become a frequent past time activity, you may feel discouraged. Do not despair. Here are some ways you can begin to transform your relationship:
One: Nourish Your Friendship
A solid friendship is one of the most important predictors of a couple’s happiness. Rediscover your partner – his or her interests, hobbies, challenges, and successes. Be playful – see if you can guess your partner’s responses to a few questions or categories (e.g., favorite thing to do, something you have always wanted to do, your biggest challenge or most embarrassing moment). Make a habit of getting better acquainted.
Two: Schedule Dates Together
Make concrete plans to spend time doing mutually enjoyable activities together. Put it in your calendar and follow through. If either of you need to reschedule, set a new date so it actually happens. At the end of your time together, schedule your next date.
Three: Small Acts of Affection
Remember the things you would do for each other when you first met? Surprising each other with small acts of affection can help restore the feelings you initially had for each other. Try some of the following ideas: Leave a love note, flower, or special treat; or eat dinner by candle light, serve coffee in bed, blindfold your partner on the way to a surprise evening out, hold hands while you watch a scary movie or give your partner a spontaneous back rub.
Four: Focus on Your Strengths
Even during difficult times in your relationship, there are usually some protective factors that keep you together. Make a deliberate effort to look for the strengths in your relationship (e.g., your partner’s ability to make you laugh when you feel most discouraged or your partner’s ability to stay calm during times of crisis). When you discover a strength share this information with your partner. The simple act of orienting yourself to strengths rather than weaknesses increases your likelihood of finding more.
Five: Look For Talkable Moments
Be flexible about when and how you talk through a problem with your partner. When possible, look for “talkable” moments, those times you are both more rested and relaxed. Though it can be helpful to plan a time to talk, remain open to adjustments. If you planned to talk in the evening, wait until after dinner. If it gets too late, try talking in the morning. A good night’s sleep can work communication wonders. Be open to “side by side” (rather than “face to face”) moments or times when you are doing something together such as taking a walk, cleaning the house or doing yard work.
Six: Notice Your Reactive State
When you are feeling very upset, angry, frustrated or stressed you may begin to react by yelling at your partner, walking out the door in the middle of an argument, or immediately shutting down emotionally. Begin to notice what your reactive state looks and sounds like (e.g., tense body, clenched fists, quick movement, raised voice, harsh words, silence).
Seven: Ask for Time To Calm Down
As soon as you notice your reactive state, take a break to calm down. Even a brief time apart can short circuit your reactions and give you time to feel more grounded. Make an agreement with your partner in advance for the type of space you need (physical location or amount of time) and have a brief verbal or visual signal. Re-connect only when you are both calm enough.
Eight: Take Care Of Your Triggers
Sometimes the words or actions of another person can “trigger” a sting from previous hurts, much like salt to an open wound. Without the wound, the salt (words and actions) would have no impact. However, most of us have past wounds from childhood, a previous relationship or our current one. When a past wound is triggered, you may feel hurt, angry, rejected or alone. Rather than re-engaging with your partner at this point, take time to comfort yourself by breathing, stretching, changing your environment, engaging in a physical activity, listening to music, taking a bath, getting a massage, calling a friend, reading, drawing or writing.
Nine: Look for Needs
Shift your focus from behavior to needs. What are you needing for yourself? Some of the most common needs include the need for connection, contribution, creativity, rest and relaxation, and autonomy. Which of these needs speak to you? Think of some concrete ways to meet your needs. What are some concrete ways you can get support from your partner? What might your partner be needing from you?
Ten: Repair In The Now
According to relationship expert John Gottman, you can predict the outcome of a fifteen-minute conversation based on the first three minutes of interaction. Before talking, take a few moments to remind yourself of your partner’s strengths or the ways in which your partner has met your needs in the past. As you talk, make the present moment your focus and avoid dredging up the past. Revisiting history tends to detour the resolution process down the road of criticism, blame and negativity. If you notice you or your partner moving from present to past, redirect the talk to concrete “here and now” solutions. Make detailed plans for a change of routine.
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Robin Goldstein-Lincoln, MA, LPC is a licensed psychotherapist and parenting consultant in Boulder, Colorado. She helps parents find mindful and compassionate solutions to the challenges of parenthood through private counseling and consultation, as well as Inspiring Connections parenting workshops. Contact Robin by phone (303-818-7086) or e-mail (robinglincoln@msn.com) to learn more about her services or schedule an initial consultation.
