Raking, shoveling, digging, weeding, planting, gathering leaves and sticks, making sculptures and other types of art with items from nature

Rearrange your home to facilitate more physical play:

            Creating mazes, forts and tunnels

          Building with blocks, legos, train tracks, etc.

          Playing hide and seek

          Pretending to be different animals or playing dress-up

          Blowing bubbles or inflating balloons to catch (Rocket Balloons at Target)

          Jumping and crashing on a mattress, pillows, or trampoline

Have areas to get messy (outside when possible):

            Art play with easel and paints or watercolors, or shaving cream

          Cook play dough to mold and pound (see Preschool Play Dough recipe)

          Fill the sink, tub or a small basin with water and small items to wash

          Simple cooking, preparation and mixing of ingredients

Enlist your child’s help:

            Sweeping or cleaning anything with a sponge or towel and soapy water

          Folding laundry, moving toys around, rearranging furniture or room layout, delivering a note to another family member

Visit local consignment shops and observe items that draw your child’s attention.  Trade old toys for some new ones.  Childish Things is a real favorite. 

Frequent places like Kangaroo Kingdom or the WOW museum (in Lafayette), open play at Pump it Up (in Broomfield) or B& C Bouncetown in Longmont, or Clementine Art Studio (in Boulder), particularly at off hours.

Incorporate wind down time with calming music, books to read, gentle massage, or yoga (Yoga Kids is a very accessible and engaging video).

Even the healthiest of couples fight.  But, if fighting has become a frequent past time activity, you may feel discouraged.  Do not despair.  Here are some ways you can begin to transform your relationship:

One:  Nourish Your Friendship

A solid friendship is one of the most important predictors of a couple’s happiness.  Rediscover your partner – his or her interests, hobbies, challenges, and successes.  Be playful – see if you can guess your partner’s responses to a few questions or categories (e.g., favorite thing to do, something you have always wanted to do, your biggest challenge or most embarrassing moment).  Make a habit of getting better acquainted.

Two:  Schedule Dates Together 

Make concrete plans to spend time doing mutually enjoyable activities together.  Put it in your calendar and follow through.  If either of you need to reschedule, set a new date so it actually happens.  At the end of your time together, schedule your next date. 

Three:  Small Acts of Affection

Remember the things you would do for each other when you first met?  Surprising each other with small acts of affection can help restore the feelings you initially had for each other.  Try some of the following ideas:  Leave a love note, flower, or special treat; or eat dinner by candle light, serve coffee in bed, blindfold your partner on the way to a surprise evening out, hold hands while you watch a scary movie or give your partner a spontaneous back rub. 

Four:  Focus on Your Strengths

Even during difficult times in your relationship, there are usually some protective factors that keep you together.  Make a deliberate effort to look for the strengths in your relationship (e.g., your partner’s ability to make you laugh when you feel most discouraged or your partner’s ability to stay calm during times of crisis).  When you discover a strength share this information with your partner.  The simple act of orienting yourself to strengths rather than weaknesses increases your likelihood of finding more.  

Five:  Look For Talkable Moments

Be flexible about when and how you talk through a problem with your partner.  When possible, look for “talkable” moments, those times you are both more rested and relaxed.  Though it can be helpful to plan a time to talk, remain open to adjustments.  If you planned to talk in the evening, wait until after dinner.  If it gets too late, try talking in the morning.  A good night’s sleep can work communication wonders.  Be open to “side by side” (rather than “face to face”) moments or times when you are doing something together such as taking a walk, cleaning the house or doing yard work.

Six:  Notice Your Reactive State

When you are feeling very upset, angry, frustrated or stressed you may begin to react by yelling at your partner, walking out the door in the middle of an argument, or immediately shutting down emotionally.  Begin to notice what your reactive state looks and sounds like (e.g., tense body, clenched fists, quick movement, raised voice, harsh words, silence).

Seven:  Ask for Time To Calm Down

As soon as you notice your reactive state, take a break to calm down.  Even a brief time apart can short circuit your reactions and give you time to feel more grounded.  Make an agreement with your partner in advance for the type of space you need (physical location or amount of time) and have a brief verbal or visual signal.  Re-connect only when you are both calm enough. 

Eight:  Take Care Of Your Triggers

Sometimes the words or actions of another person can “trigger” a sting from previous hurts, much like salt to an open wound.  Without the wound, the salt (words and actions) would have no impact.  However, most of us have past wounds from childhood, a previous relationship or our current one.  When a past wound is triggered, you may feel hurt, angry, rejected or alone.  Rather than re-engaging with your partner at this point, take time to comfort yourself by breathing, stretching, changing your environment, engaging in a physical activity, listening to music, taking a bath, getting a massage, calling a friend, reading, drawing or writing.

Nine:  Look for Needs

Shift your focus from behavior to needs.  What are you needing for yourself?  Some of the most common needs include the need for connection, contribution, creativity, rest and relaxation, and autonomy.  Which of these needs speak to you?  Think of some concrete ways to meet your needs.  What are some concrete ways you can get support from your partner?  What might your partner be needing from you?

Ten:  Repair In The Now

According to relationship expert John Gottman, you can predict the outcome of a fifteen-minute conversation based on the first three minutes of interaction.  Before talking, take a few moments to remind yourself of your partner’s strengths or the ways in which your partner has met your needs in the past.  As you talk, make the present moment your focus and avoid dredging up the past.  Revisiting history tends to detour the resolution process down the road of criticism, blame and negativity.  If you notice you or your partner moving from present to past, redirect the talk to concrete “here and now” solutions.  Make detailed plans for a change of routine.

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Robin Goldstein-Lincoln, MA, LPC is a licensed psychotherapist and parenting consultant in Boulder, Colorado.  She helps parents find mindful and compassionate solutions to the challenges of parenthood through private counseling and consultation, as well as Inspiring Connections parenting workshops.  Contact Robin by phone (303-818-7086) or e-mail (robinglincoln@msn.com) to learn more about her services or schedule an initial consultation.

Your body is in recovery from one or more major medical procedures, and possibly surgery.  Your hormones are all over the map.  Free falling estrogen and progesterone levels leave you feeling teary, irritable, anxious and exhausted.  And this is supposed to be the happiest time of your life?  Of course there are moments of intense joy and gratitude, but the reality of caring for a newborn makes “happiest time” hard to deliver.

Your partner may be feeling overwhelmed too – worried about you and the baby, unsure how to help, struggling to keep up with work, the house or the flurry of calls and visits, missing you and wondering when life will get back to “normal.”

Here are five tips to find your way through the postpartum period:

Keep it simple

Give yourself a break by eliminating any task, commitment or thought that is not absolutely necessary.  This is a time when “less is more.”  Let food and sleep be your number one priority.  Things like phone calls, emails, errands, house cleaning and chores can wait.  Feeding and resting are your only priority.  Be as home bound as possible for at least the first month and preferably the next two or three.  This is your time to nest as a mom and family. 

Practice receiving

Let “Yes, you can help!” become your new mantra.  It may feel uncomfortable at first, particularly if you are accustomed to being self-sufficient and independent.  But, receiving help is essential.  We are not meant to care for babies in isolation.  And, you are giving a gift by letting others help.  With practice this will feel more natural, especially as you experience the relief of having someone else comfort your crying baby or taste the delicious food you did not have to cook.

Sleep when the baby sleeps

Though it may be tempting to clean the house, return calls or get some work done while your baby sleeps, remember this is a long distance marathon.  It is important to stay fortified and sleep is the most important ingredient.  If you have trouble falling asleep, relax on the couch and read, or simply daydream about a beach vacation.  Use the time to be completely unproductive.  Your productivity will be requested again soon enough!

Work as a team

Regularly take time each day to check-in with your partner.  Talk about ways to share in the care.  If you are using a bottle, take turns feeding the baby during the day and at night.  If you are breast feeding, your partner can soothe and diaper.  Switch roles during the fussy hour around dinner time.  Discuss the schedule - what is working, what is not, as well as new ideas to more easily meet your baby’s changing needs.  For some invaluable tips on soothing your baby spend just 30 minutes watching Harvey Karp’s DVD, The Happiest Baby On The Block.  It will be time very well spent!  

And try to spend at least a few moments each day enjoying some physical affection with your partner.  Though your baby’s cries are highly compelling, the couple relationship yearns for loving care as well.

Seek professional help if needed

If you are feeling sad, depleted, teary, anxious or irritable, you are in good company.  The “baby blues” affects 50-80% of new mothers and can last from 72 hours to 21 days.  This is a completely normal reaction to this huge emotional and physical transition.

If these symptoms persist beyond 21 days, intensify, or interfere with caring for your baby or going about your daily life, this may be more than a case of the “blues.”  This is an important time to seek help and support.  It is the best thing you can do for yourself and your baby.

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Robin Goldstein-Lincoln, MA, LPC is a licensed psychotherapist and parenting consultant in Boulder, Colorado.  She helps parents of toddlers through teens find mindful and compassionate solutions to the challenges of parenthood through private counseling and consultation, as well as Inspiring Connections parenting workshops.  Contact Robin by phone (303-818-7086) or e-mail (robinglincoln@msn.com) to learn more about her services or schedule an initial consultation.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

My Favorite Books and DVDs for Parents

Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp, M.D.

Simple and effective ways to soothe your baby!  A must read for expecting and/or new parents.

Sleeping Like A Baby by Avi Sadeh

Highly readable and concise explanation of current sleep science, as well as a very balanced approach to solving an array of sleep problems based on Sadeh’s research at the Laboratory for Children’s Sleep and Arousal Disorders at Tel Aviv University.

Amazing Baby Sleep Secrets by Michael Quarles, Sr.

Very succinct survey of the major sleep experts’ philosophies that concludes with a sound, balanced approach by Quarles to solving your child’s sleep problems.

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

A great resource for parents whether your child is spirited or not.  Kurcinka details the impact of temperament and needs and gives parents concrete and highly effective ways to manage previously challenging, even explosive, situations.  And each chapter, from sleep to tantrums, has a brief summary at the end! 

Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Also an excellent resource to better understand your child’s temperament and related interventions.  Geared to slightly older children than Spirited Child (elementary and adolescents). 

Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp, M.D.

Helpful tools to tame your toddler’s tantrums.  Try viewing the DVD by the same title to learn Karp’s approach in just 30 minutes! 

Touchpoints:  The Essential Reference by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D.

A bit analytic in terms of parenting advice, but a solid reference on emotional and physical development from birth to 3, as well as some helpful tips on a wide variety of issues:  toileting, sleep, allergies, loss, speech and hearing problems, hospitalization, school readiness, etc. 

Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso

Enjoyable and very well balanced approach to an array of parenting issues from childhood to adolescence including discipline, sibling rivalry, mealtime, potty time and bedtime, rebellious behavior and even a chapter on sexuality.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

A classic that is chockfull of concrete and effective ways to communicate with children and adolescents.  Faber and Mazlish are also known for their book on siblings, Siblings Without Rivalry.

How To Get Your Child To Eat by Ellyn Satter

Gives sound, research based advice on how to handle any and all eating issues you could possibly encounter from birth to adolescence.

Raising Children Compassionately by Marshall Rosenberg

A very brief introduction to Rosenberg’s wonderful work on Non Violent Communication (needs that drive behavior and the win-win solutions that are possible) as it relates to parenting young children.  For a more detailed understanding of Rosenberg’s work, you can read “Nonviolent Communcation:  A Language of Life” or go to the Nonviolent Communication website at www.CNVC.org.

Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy by Michael J. Bradley, Ed.D.

A very insightful and comprehensive approach that helps parents understand the neuroscience of adolescence, as well as what parents can do.

Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? by Anthony Wolf, Ph.D.

Another wonderful resource for parents of adolescents.  Humorous approach with great, real-life vignettes, plus tons of solid advice. 

The Out-Of-Sync-Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz

Raising A Sensory Smart Child by Lindsey Beiland & Nancy Peske

Both super books for parents of children with sensory issues and/or sensory processing disorder.  Great, detailed explanations and tons of concrete tools and resources!

When Dinosaurs Die:  A Guide To Understanding Death by Laurie Krasney Brown &  Caring For A Grieving Child:  Engaging Activities For Dealing With Loss and Transition by Martha Wakenshaw and Herman Frankel

Two helpful books to guide parents when helping children cope with death and/or loss.   

And Some Books for Young Children by Subject

On Feelings:

How Are You Peeling?

Today I Feel Silly & Other Moods That Make My Day

When Sophie Gets Really Really Angry

On Death And Loss

I Miss You:  A First Look At Death by Pat Thomas

We Were Gonna Have A Baby, But We Had An Angel Instead by Pat Shwiebert and Taylor Bills